D Day (also known as Divorce Day)… April 12, 2012 a day that will forever be in my memories. I recall waking up that morning feeling blah or meh. That feeling of not really feeling anything or not knowing how to feel. This day would be the beginning of a new chapter and the ending of another chapter. This was the day of my divorce. A day that I never imagined. Divorced after 10 years when we were supposed to live happily ever after together. I remember this day so vividly. I recall entering the court room, and how quickly I felt alone in a room full of people. It felt like I was in a bad dream that I couldn’t awake from. As I sat there and listened to the lawyer explain the details of our case, I realized that it took a year to plan our union and only an hour to end it. As I sat there, I began to ask myself how did I get here? Why didn’t our marriage work? What am I going to do now? All these questions and more consumed my thoughts.
Now I never intended to embark on this journey of divorce. I wanted to resolve the problems that we had not dissolve them with divorce. However, here I am in the courtroom reflecting on our union that lasted 10 years. I was 19 and in college in North Carolina when I met my husband. By 25 I was married with a bonus son (he had a son from a previous relationship) and by 32 we had two children. The shift in our marriage occurred after our first child was born. Our number one problem was his love for alcohol and lack of communication.
We communicated sure, but effectively communicating to one another we didn’t know how to do. We would speak to each other but never heard the other person. The arguing turned into yelling the yelling turned into verbal insults. His way of expressing his thoughts and feelings was intensified when he was intoxicated. The excessive use of alcohol each day was taking a toll on our relationship. After our first child was born his consumption increased. When intoxicated he became verbally abusive and his words resonated in my thoughts for years impacting my self -esteem. Counseling was suggested but he never wanted to go. At the end of the day I had to make a choice. Do I stay because of the kids and tolerate the abuse or leave and find some peace? It was a hard choice but one that needed to be made.
For anyone in a relationship, the last choice one wants to make is to end the partnership or union. However, sometimes leaving is the best decision to make. Divorce is so common and easy to do in our society. In my case the process was quick and easy not time consuming like some cases, yet the mental toll that one experiences takes years to heal from especially when children are involved. I realized that this life changing event would not only affect myself, but my children as well. I didn’t want them to blame themselves for us no longer being together. Even though they were 6 and 4 at the time I explained to them that none of this was their fault and that we love them. Even today six years later I continue to let them know that the reason we aren’t together has nothing to do with them. I didn’t want them to be consumed with depression like me. The choice for me to leave gave me peace in my home however at the same time my mental state was shattered. My confidence, my dreams, self- esteem and self -worth had been dissolved. The mental peace that I longed for didn’t happen overnight and it would take several years for me to find the inner peace that I needed and deserved.
D-Day April 12, 2012 a day that changed my life in its entirety. I don’t call it D Day for Divorce or Dooms Day, yet I like to think of it has Discovery Day. The day that I began to discover myself, life, and my purpose.
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BIO: Twila B. Goode is a Poet, a Blogger, and a mother to two (2) amazing boys. Twila is a Texas native who have added author to her name, which you can find on Amazon called “Pieces of Me.” Next book will be an Erotic Poetry Book. To learn more about Twila, visit her blog & follow her on Instagram & Facebook.