Why do women sometimes settle for unhealthy relationships? Many years ago I worked with a young lady whose boyfriend lived with a different woman. The other woman had two children by him and my co-worker also had one child by this man and was expecting her second. Messy situation, right? I got confused every time she referred to him as “her man.”
It was obvious to everyone in our office that he wasn’t “her man.” It was also obvious to everyone the man didn’t love her. We questioned why she allowed herself to stay in a relationship where she had to share “her man.” Over the years, I’ve come across many women who hold on to questionable relationships. Heck, I’ve done it myself. Although the reasons why women hold on to these relationships vary. Three reasons seem to be consistent across the board. Let’s talk (See Below).
Women Don’t Understand Their Value
When a woman doesn’t understand who she is, what she brings to the table, or the value of the treasure between her legs, she’ll allow undeserving men into her life who will take advantage of her, her offerings (what YOU bring to the relationship: Your paycheck; YOUR companionship; YOUR friendship; YOUR connections, YOUR joy & peace), and your body. She doesn’t understand that she’s a good thing. She doesn’t understand that she’s precious. She doesn’t understand that her sexuality is a precious gem which should be reserved only for her man, better yet, her HUSBAND, not the man she’s sharing with other women.
These women sometimes need to invest in a good therapist or a coach who can help them grasp the beauty contained within her mind, body, and spirit. Joining a bible believing, teaching church is what helped me. Once I understood who I was in Christ, it changed my entire outlook about myself. I realized I didn’t have to settle for just any man when God had the PERFECT one for me.
Financial problems can drive the most grounded, logical woman to make unwise decisions. I’ve spoken with many women who sleep with men for money for her car payment, light bill, vacations, clothes for her kids, and a nice meals at fancy restaurants.
I remember sitting at that same job one day talking to a different co-worker. This one was saying how her man has to put out money if he wanted sex from her. I, along with some other co-workers, asked her what was the difference between her and a prostitute. She got mad and tried to explain, but she could not.
Working (and making money, saving money, paying your own bills, and paying for your own vacations) is EMPOWERING. It gives women leverage to make their own decisions, be their own person, and never compromise themselves and their bodies for money. Making your own money allows you to be more selective and discreet in choosing a partner. NEVER choose a man because you NEED his money. You feel me?
Desperate to be in a Relationship
Another reason I’ve found that women settle for certain men is desperation to be in a relationship. Look, I get it. All your friends are partnered up or getting married, having babies and you’re on the outside looking in wondering, “What’s wrong with me that no wants to be with me?” There’s nothing wrong with you. The worst thing you can do at this point is start a relationship or hold on to a relationship just for the sake of saying you have a man. My sisters, you are better than that. Listen, if you settle for a man just so you can say you have a man, let me tell you what you can expect:
- A man who’s going to use you, financially and physically.
- A man who’s going to abuse you, mentally, verbally, maybe even physically.
- A broken heart when he leaves you for the person he really wants. The woman who isn’t desperate.
- A few kids you’ll probably have to raise alone. Or perhaps he’ll convince you to abort the baby.
- Drama – as you play detective trying to determine whether he’s cheating (he probably is).
Save yourself all the heartache. Trust me when I tell you it isn’t worth it. Don’t look into the light, JUST WAIT. WAIT on “your man.” Stop going out here looking for a man. A real man will find you.
As you wait, here are a few pieces of advice from Auntie Ree (that’s me):
- Decide what you want out of life and start working toward those goals. If you want a career instead of a job, pursue it. If you want to launch a business, go for it! Go back to school. Get that degree. Get a Masters. Heck – keep going and get that Doctorate. Make him call you “Dr” so and so!
- Save your money and buy a house. INVEST, INVEST, INVEST. Be self-sufficient.
- Travel the world. Take a cruise to the Caribbean. You should have a passport. Plan a girls only getaway to Jamaica. Tour Europe. Get out of the U.S.
- Focus on your physical and mental health. You want him to have a six pack but you’re carrying around 60 extra pounds? It’s easier to get rid of weight when you’re young. It becomes more difficult as you get older. See a therapist or counselor to help get rid of baggage from your past. Just because your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband did you wrong doesn’t mean your new husband has to suffer for it. Get healthy!
- Since I’m a Christian, I have to mention this one. Seek and grow your relationship with the Lord. You may just find “your man” in the house the Lord (or whatever place of worship you attend).
I’m praying for all my young sisters the absolute best for each of you. Keep your head up and set a standard for your life. As I always tell my nieces, “Keep it Classy”!
Author: Aretha encourage and inspire women in Ministry as they walk in purpose. She is a Christian Life Coach and Mentor and you can find out more about Aretha at http://www.reeinspired.com/
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